Still cant forgive myself...

Salam to all

Its been 6 years since my father left me... and since yesterday is Fathers Day, I think its better for me to write something abt what happen...
- It was final week of March 2007. I was stationed at TUDM Labuan at that time. I am suppose to go for simulator flying for two weeks in London on Saturday. So, my boss relieve me on Tuesday. In short, me and my family took the Tuesday flight to KLIA. As normal, after landed, we straight away went to my parents home in Glenmarie Shah Alam. Since the trip is a short one, me and my wife decided to go back to my wife's parents in Kedah. So, after the clearence with the authority on Wednesday, we went to Kedah. At  that time, we only have two kids. The third one is due in June.
- We finally arrived Kedah on Wednesday nite and spent some time with my parents-in-law. Then we decided to go back to Shah Alam on Friday. After the tears and kisses and so on from my parents-in-law, we left their home on Friday evening.
- We arrived my parents home at midnite. Since everybody is sleeping, including my parents, we decided not to disturb them. We quietly settle down  and went to sleep... but then...
- But then, at about 5.30am, we were shocked by the cry of my mom ! She was waking up everybody and ask us to have a look at my father. Actually, she is trying to wake him up for subuh... but he didnt respond..
I called my elder brother who stayed 3rd floor in the same building...
- I tried my best to wake him up - but he just continue "sleeping" - as if want to "play dead" with us...
At that time, I knew my father already gone... I feel his body... still warm and fresh... his hands, his body, his legs, even his face is still "blushing"...
- I know I cant do anything more... my mom, well, all i can say is that, nobody cant believe what happened. He was perfectly well at night before...

(6hours before:
My brother told me that, the nnight before, at about 10pm, my brother bought mee gorenf for the family. Everybody is enjoying their meals, including my father. The only strange thing is that, normaly my sister always sit next to him. but that night, my sister sit in front of him. and while having the meal, he spent most of the time looking at my sister. she did feel weird about it and asked my father - why u looked at me like that - he told her that - "nothing... its  just that i didnt really look at you for quite some time.."
maybe that is his last word and his last meal...)

7am:
- My brother called the ambulance, and the ambulance came, and confirm that my father already passed away..
- I called my boss at Labuan to tell him what happen... he told me that, since the preparation and documentation already completed for me to go to London, i might as well go to London. My flight to London is about 1130pm. and i have to cx in at KLIA at abt 9.30pm, which means i have to start going out fm my house at abt 8pm. The catch is - majlis tahlil will commence after maghrib prayer! I am very reluctant to go to London at that time...
- So, all the relatives and friends already made known, and most of them arrived at the house to pay their last respect... my brother and sister continue the process; the police report, the doctor report, the mosque for his last bath, not forgetting prepare the grave...
- at about 12pm, they bring the body to the mosque, and we gave him his last bath...
after zohor, we perform the prayer for him and bring him to the graveyard...
at about 3pm, the whole process is completed and we all went home...
i still in shock and cant believe what had happened...
its too fast for me..
- Through out the afternoon, the house is prepared for the tahlil. but - for me, i am preparing my luggage to go for the simulator...
- after maghrib, the house is already full of relatives and friends, waiting for the tahlil... at same time, i am dragging my luggage to the car - even the imam ask me "are you going back to London"  ? (as if my house is in London!)
- then, my wife sent me to the airport, and i checked in...
- its just too fast ... too fast to believe what had just happened..